Helping Our Children Through Tragedy
The past week has presented two horrific and traumatic events: the Clackamas Town Center mall shooting and the Connecticut elementary school tragedy.
When news strikes, triggering our worst nightmares, the natural instinct is to immediately protect our own and prevent any harm that could come into our world. However, the very meaning of the word trauma is that it’s unexpectly too much, too soon.
As parents ourselves, the initial shock of these events turned quickly into tears, prayers and grieving for all the families who lost babies and loved ones. We immediately curled up with our children and held them exceptionally tight. The temptation to never leave our house again crossed our minds. It will take time to move through the emotions of these events, for some, more time than for others, but we must be patient with ourselves and our families. Though there is no quick fix, there are things we can do to help our children at this time:
Try to protect your child from the media. The overload of negative images can highly affect children, particularly younger ones. If your children are unaware of the events, there is no need to inform them of the details. It is okay to want to protect our children from the devastations of this world.
Children under five will probably not understand the significance of such an event. As kids grow older and are exposed to information amongst peers, the internet, and other media outlets, be ready to answer their questions, as needed. If your child asks you questions, it is important to tell your children the truth, but do limit the details. These questions may come next week or even next year. Honest answers will give them a feeling of control, a feeling much-needed following tragedy.
Listen and allow your children to have their own feelings. It is important that children are able to express themselves; many times this may be seen through play rather than through words. Notice and be present as they express fears, sadness, agitation, confusion, and questions. Whether children or adults, we all need a place to be heard. Merely empathizing with one another helps the brain calm down and feel safer. After listening, remind your children of your love for them and that your job is to protect them. Remind them of the other adults who are responsible for them, including teachers, coaches, and family members. They need to know they are not alone. This may include more cuddling, playing and longer tuck in times for a season.
Teach your children how to ask for help when they need it. This is a very good time to remind your children that when they feel unsafe, uncomfortable or scared, they can go to a teacher or to you to get help. Make a list with them of all the safe people in their life discuss what each person can help them with. Tell your children that they can set boundaries with peers and that they do not have to listen to or participate in any conversations at school or with friends that they are not wanting to participate in. Role playing various scenarios may also help your child gain confidence in his/her ability to make choices to establish such boundaries.
Allow yourself time to grieve and process tragic events on your own — talk with your spouse, a friend or counselor if verbally processing out loud helps you work through grief. However, be strong for your child. Remain reassuring of your love for him and your hope for the future. They are looking to you for security. Children follow their parent’s lead, so lead them in the direction of hope.
Finally, notice beauty around you. In the midst of deep pain, these are the moments when a simple snowflake, glimmering Christmas tree, or a small giggle can bring joy. Look around your world and notice, then point out to your child the wonders that still remain amidst the darkness of these times.
Living wholeheartedly in the face of destruction takes courage, community, and a deep sense of knowing that joy and sadness can co-exist. These moments remind us that we want to be among those who still choose love.
