5 Big Myths about Sex

1)   A good wife always submits to her husband in the bedroom.
The Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs) reminds us that women can be pursuers (Song of Songs 7:11–13). In fact, studies show that men find more satisfaction in their sex lives when their wives are satisfied sexually. Women, in general, have a harder time discerning and asking for what they need. This may mean taking time to explore together and discover what you like and dislike. Unresponsiveness to our sexual needs and desires can be linked to dysfunctional backgrounds, including sexual abuse or destructive sexual patterns in our marriages. These painful parts of our story impede the ability to enjoy the gift of sex that God provides for husbands and wives. Take the time to heal so that you can say, “No thank you,” and enjoy your “Yes, please” more fully. Healthy sexuality invites both partners to speak up and delight in one another.

2)   Men are always in the mood for sex.
This might be shocking to many of you, but there is more to a man than his sex drive. The media often portrays men as animals, having no control over their penises. Let’s not perpetuate this thinking. Though men generally have more testosterone pumping through their bodies than women (this really is a good thing), creating sexual thoughts every few seconds, many men are still affected sexually by pressures of their jobs, side effects from medication, stress, or marital strife. Women are not the only ones who may get headaches and not be in the mood.

3)   If this is the right person for me, then why am I attracted to others?
In the beginning, God made man and woman in the romance of Eden, and selflessness was easy and natural. But something happened… discontentment with perfection. God gave Adam & Eve everything they needed and wanted, but then He said, “Enjoy, except for the fruit of the tree of good and evil.” God put a constraint on Adam and Eve in order to prevent satiation. Leave it to human beings to crave more!

Being discontent with what we have is a human battle. As we grow in our relationship with Christ, we come to find that whether we are single or married, circumstances do not need to change in order to find satisfaction and joy; and for married couples, this even applies in the bedroom. It’s important to discuss healthy boundaries for your relationship in order to promote moving toward each other while still protecting your hearts, minds, and relationship from the temptation to look beyond your spouse (or future spouse). This may mean sharing Facebook passwords, limiting alone time with the opposite sex, or, for married couples, going to bed together rather than one spouse staying up to watch TV. Being proactive as a couple to guard your hearts for one another may be one of today’s best kept secrets for a thriving marriage. Philippians 4:11–13 NIV says, “For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

4)   My spouse should know how to please me sexually.
How many of us have bought into the movie mantra that perfect sexual intimacy should happen instantaneously and effortlessly? It’s highly unrealistic to think that two people can come together with completely different backgrounds and have a perfect 10 sexual experience with simultaneous orgasms all the time. There are so many factors that play into our sexuality. One of the greatest contributors is our past experience. One spouse may have grown up in a home where sex was never talked about. On the flip side, the other spouse may have experimented, resulting in hard lessons learned. We must first know our own sexual stories and then learn our spouse’s.

Part of the joy in how God created sex is that it is a lifelong pursuit of exploration and fulfillment. Women, particularly, are very complicated sexual beings; what works one day may not work the next day. Wouldn’t a magic “O” button be handy? Well, since there is no such thing, we are left to be a student of our spouse and continue to communicate what we like and don’t like, what we desire and don’t desire, and when we want to connect versus when we don’t want to connect. As Pastor Bill said, “Don’t sabotage sex. Simply say, ‘Not tonight, but tomorrow.’ ‘Not this way, but that way, would be nice.’” No one is a mind reader, so use your voice and make your heart’s desire known.

5)   Christians should not experiment in the bedroom.
Can we have oral sex? Is masturbation with my spouse okay? The questions continue…but in reality, there are only a few limitations when it comes to sex in the Bible — We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible indicates that the following are sin:
• fornication/unmarried sex (Galatians 5:19, 1 Corinthians 7:2, 36)
• adultery (Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27)
• homosexuality (Leviticus 18:22 , Romans 1:26–27)
• bestiality (Leviticus 18:23 & 20:15–16)
• prostitution (Leviticus 19:29, Deuteronomy 23:17, Proverbs 23:27, 1 Corinthians 6:15–16)
• incest (Leviticus 18:6)
We are to have sex only in marriage—one man with one woman. (Matthew 19:4-5, 1 Timothy 3:2, 12). We are expected to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:3–5). The Bible clearly says that sex is meant for pleasure, children, oneness, knowledge, protection, and comfort within a committed lifelong marriage between a husband and a wife. 1 Corinthians 6:12 NKJV says, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” Anything within these confines, and that which is mutually agreed upon by both spouses, can be a part of a healthy sexuality that glorifies God.

RESOURCES
Healthy sexuality:
“Under the Sheets” Dr. Kevin Leman
“The Gift of Sex” Clifford & Joyce Penner
“Sacred Influence” Gary Thomas
Pornography/ sexual addiction:
“Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women who have been Sexually Betrayal” Debra Laaser
“Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction” Dr. Mark Laaser
“Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain” William Struthers
“Don’t Call it Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction” Patrick Carnes
Sexual Abuse Recovery:
“The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse” Dr. Dan Allender
“Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse” Steven Tracy