You may have heard us say that if you have a following, you are a leader. That means whether you are a mom, a pastor, or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you are a leader, and how you lead matters. Listening is one key strategy that helps leaders live with integrity. Many people assume they are great listeners. It’s a skill set we know is important, yet fail to practice. Despite optimistic beliefs about our own listening skills, it’s true that we often find ourselves lacking in the practical application of it during times we need it most: comforting a hurting child, addressing conflict in marriage, working out a misunderstanding with a friend, or navigating personality differences at work.

What is Betrayal Trauma? (Betrayal trauma is a reality for both genders; however for the sake of clarity, female pronouns will be used.)

In her book Intimate Deception, Sheri Keffer defines betrayal trauma as, “the act of being unfaithful to a spouse or significant other when there has been a commitment to exclusive fidelity. A violation of trust occurs when your spouse or significant other uses deception and manipulation to put more time, emotional and sexual energy or resources into another entity. This includes pornography, emotional and physical affairs, cybersex, hookups, flirting, sexting, massage parlors, prostitution, strip clubs, child pornography, sexual fetishes, cross-dressing, or undisclosed relationships with the same sex (2018).“ Regardless the type of betrayal, this kind of relational trauma undermines the committed relationship and can profoundly impact the well-being of the betrayed.

So many men I meet in my practice struggle to communicate their true feelings, and therefore, often fail to connect to their children. They often believe (mistakenly) that conforming to expectations — of stoicism, respect, relevance, being a provider, or a ‘man’s man’ — is somehow devoid of vulnerability. Because of this belief system, men find that their relationships with their children and loved ones are often defined and confined by unmet expectations and disappointment. This is not how it was intended, nor how how it needs to be.