Your Child Needs Your Mistakes: An Ode to the Power of Repair
By Annie Horner, MA
There is a moment in every parent’s life where one must look in the mirror and say to themselves, “Did I really just say that to my 7 year old?” Our heart sinks to our stomach with shame and embarrassment.
There are increasing voices that are raising parental anxiety with many “do’s” and “don’ts”. As a therapist working with many parents, I understand where these voices are coming from and even agree with some as a general framework. One of the most important “do’s” might surprise you. Let your child see your mistakes and slip-ups so they can experience your repair.
As a clinician specializing in parent and child connection, I believe the anxious pursuit of perfect parenting and “damage-free” kids is not only holding us hostage in shame, but we might be missing the opportunity to use our mistakes as a way to develop a stronger relationship and model the reality that perfection is unattainable.
The clinical term for such mistakes are called “ruptures”, and the simplest definition of a rupture is anything that breaks the connection between two people. Ruptures can be small or large; they can be a moment, or they can be stacked one on top of the other over time, growing in complexity. “Repair” is the process of reconnecting and rebuilding the bond after a rupture occurs. It is key to use a calm and quiet tone of voice. Repair is not a time to teach, but to listen and attune. Be aware of non-verbal communication and facial expressions! It is important to note that not all ruptures are “mistakes.” In fact, sometimes we just missed each other and needed some intentional time to listen with humility.
Research shows that strong parent and child bonds are formed when ruptures are quickly recognized and then repaired. When a rupture is repaired, we learn that our relationship can endure hardship and connection can be re-ignited. It also demonstrates that hardship will come in any relationship. The healthy ones are the ones where repair is a priority. Consistent repairs increase trust as a child learns a parent will come back to them no matter what. They realize they can survive disagreements, which also brings courage and resilience to a child’s life. Resilient children have confidence to face life’s hardships, knowing they can do difficult things and experience growth on the other side. This research echoes Paul’s words, penned 2,000 years prior, “Afflictions build endurance, leading to character, and greater hope” (Romans 5:3). God may be waiting to bless you and your child in the very places you are trying to avoid, even run or ignore.
In the same vein of not misusing God’s grace, the goal in learning these healthy relationship skills is to avoid carelessness in our parenting, leaning too heavily on the truth that we “can always repair.” Much like our relationship with the Lord, parenting requires consistent presence, faithfulness, and intentionality. Repair is not a license to rupture. Instead, when we understand this truth, we understand that God has wired for relationships to relieve us from the burden of perfectionism. Let’s not let shame trick us into sweeping our mistakes under the rug and resist apathy’s alluring voice convincing us none of it matters. The feeling of guilt can lead to a deep breath, a healthy awareness, and a chance to say: “Now is my opportunity to repair.” God does far more with our weaknesses as we surrender to His ways.
Because God chose you - in all of your strengths, wounds, and weaknesses - as the parent for your child instead of a perfect robot, it means He uses all of your humanity and experiences to help your child grow. Even if the mistakes have remained unspoken for years, take courage: there may still be beauty ahead for you both.
Suggested Reflection:
How was conflict done in your family of origin?
How difficult is it for you to initiate repair?
If you notice you feel overwhelmed by this concept, consider processing with the help of a mental health professional in order to show up for your kids with the best of who you are.
A (brief!) guide to repair:
Take time to process by yourself.
Before going to your child, it is important to self-regulate to be calm when you approach your child. Skipping this step increases risk of deepening the rupture or minimizing what occurred. Take time to understand what was happening within yourself when the rupture happened. Write down what you contributed to the rupture, focusing on your behaviors and not your child’s, and name the emotions you were feeling at the time. Lead with curiosity and not shame - God invites us with grace to own our part and is key to the transformation ahead!
Ask your child permission to talk.
When you are feeling regulated and calm, ask your child if this is a good time to talk. Giving your child a voice and choice to share models respect for their own needs and value in the relationship. If your child says no, give options for a time that could work and model accountability by following through with that time.
Be specific in naming what you were responsible for.
Name and label your part in the rupture. This models taking ownership and responsibility rather than using excuses and blame. Take care to not minimize what occurred. When Peter denied Jesus, Jesus called it what it was: betrayal. If you yelled at your child, don’t say “I got a little loud.” Say “I should not have yelled at you.” This validates your child’s experience and leaves him or her wondering if their behaviors were right or wrong. This is especially important with elementary age children as they commonly self-blame. They are developmentally egocentric.
If appropriate, share one emotion you identified in step one.
Appropriate vulnerability creates connection, and allows your child to practice empathy. Choose an appropriate emotion to share in a calm manner (not too vulnerable - one that your teen could roll their eyes at and you’d still be ok!) Be careful to not use emotions as excuses for behavior. Model emotional awareness while demonstrating responsibility for our behaviors.
Invite your child to share how they feel.
After naming your part, invite your child to share their experience. The age of your child will determine how much they say with words. If you are doing this with a teenager, be prepared to practice active listening skills like mirroring, reflecting, and validating without taking defense. This is not the time to explain, but to listen! If your child is younger, invite them to show you how they felt with toys or to draw you a picture and pay close attention to their play.
Ask for forgiveness.
Asking for forgiveness models healthy relationships, gives the language on how to repair, and demonstrates humility. Depending on your child’s wiring and the depth of the rupture, they may need some time before they can forgive. That is okay. Let them know they can take their time to think.
Remind your child you love them and end with warmth.
Tell them how much they matter to you. If you have a bonding ritual, such as reading a book together or watching their favorite TV show, offer some time for connection!
To learn more about Annie Horner or to inquire about counseling with Annie, email her at annie@livingwholehearted.com for a free 15 minute consultation.