Healing from a Narcissistic Leader

Written by: Annie Beckstrand, MA

Professional Counseling Associate at Living Wholehearted

In the Bible, the book of Ezra gives witness to the reconstruction era for Israel. No longer under the oppressive Babylonian rule, they were released to worship and live in freedom. As the doors open to their new lives, there is excitement and plans for rebuilding what they lost – their place of worship. Yet there is a moment as the praises are ascending and the foundations are being laid; and it is a moment of tremendous grief:

“But many of the older priests, Levites, and family heads, those who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this temple being laid… No one could distinguish the sounds of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping.” 

Ezra 3:12,13

Those who had been in the former days knew a story that the others did not. Instead of joy, the new temple showed the price of destruction. They could see from the foundation how this was not the glory and beauty they knew. They wept as they saw just how much was taken from them, and what would never be the same. 

Rather than identifying what this abuse is, this blog will focus on those who know they have walked through its valley and are struggling in what is next. 

For those healing from a narcissistic leader, there is a sense of “before” and “after”. Narcissistic abuse is often recognized in the rear-view mirror behind a tattered road of shame, guilt, blame, and manipulation. Perhaps the abuse was recognized, and the leader had to step down; perhaps you walked or crawled away from your spiritual community due to pain or inaction; perhaps you had no choice and were fired; or maybe you weren’t believed or protected, and “that was that”. No matter the ending, there is a sense of your life and spirituality before this leader and after. The temple has been destroyed, and every attempt to rebuild screams out what you have lost. You look to the ruins of what was once community, friendship, and trust, and say “What I did not steal, must I now restore?” Psalm 69:4

Depending on the theology of your community, you may feel a certain pressure in how to “fix” your predicament. These pressures likely were beautiful and good expressions of your spirituality before, and there very well shall be a time for them again. Yet much like the priests and Levites, the road in healing from a narcissistic leader is grief work. It is a time to name the losses, see the differences in “before” and “after”, and lament them to the Lord and trusted individuals. The priests weren’t told to “get over it” and join the work needing to be done; the Lord didn’t guilt them for “missing” or “stalling” the new thing He was doing. Instead, their cries were so loud that “the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of weeping” (Ezra 3:14). 

If you are healing from a narcissistic leader, I would invite you to reflect on the following questions: “What have I lost?” “What will never be the same?” “What emotions does this bring up?” We see God asking similar questions to those who were weeping: “Who is left among you who saw this house in its former glory? How do you see it now? Is it not as nothing in your eyes?” (Haggai 2:3). The Lord is an excellent grief counselor as He invokes us to name and count what was lost and destroyed. 

God then makes this promise: “Yet now have courage, for I am with you. My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not… The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former. And in this place, I will give peace” (Haggai 2:4-9). His encouragement does not minimize, rush, or demand. He does not give solutions to “fix” the grief. He promises the only thing the destruction could not take away: Himself. He gives strengthening words and presence in the scary work of grief, and whispers to our damaged hearts “I am still here, and I will be with you".

Unlike the pace and attitude of destruction, the Lord rebuilds at a pace that is honoring in every step forward and backward. Unlike the sickness of narcissism, the Lord listens and values how actions and sin affected us. No – we will not be the same after narcissistic abuse, yet this does not mean we will always be damaged. His Spirit is still with us, humanizing us towards a greater glory. May you slow down and trust Him again at the pace of grief as He proves Himself to be a God “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Exodus 34:6), especially for scattered sheep from a crooked shepherd.

Psalms for further reflection: Psalm 55 & 69.