The Power of Encouragement
Article by April Schein, Professional Counselor Graduate Student Intern at Living Wholehearted
Recently, while sledding with my kids on our neighborhood hill, I noticed a little girl trying to make her way back up to the top using a stick as a paddle. She had a determined look on her face and yelled her intentions out loud for all to hear. Glancing up at the feat before her, I decided at that moment to encourage her as much as I could while she worked towards her goal. I started to cheer her on as she inched upward. I noted how far she had come, I shouted that I saw her hard work and that it was paying off.
It was slow going.
BUT, I was invested at this point and it was clear she was too.
She persevered, and as she neared the top, I cheered loudly, exclaiming that she did it! She set a goal and never gave up. As she enjoyed the fruits of her labor in a ride right back down the hill, I turned my attention back to my own kids and their own antics. A few minutes later, I felt a tap on my back. I turned to see that same little girl smiling up at me.
She simply said, “Thanks so much for encouraging me!” and then ran off to keep on sledding. A flood of emotion caught in my chest and I inhaled deeply. That word. Encourage. What a poignant reminder of its power.
But what exactly does it mean to encourage someone?
The word, encourage, as defined by Miriam-Webster Dictionary (n.d.) is a verb that means to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope. Encouragement focuses on the process and notices the details of a person’s effort. It offers a voice of support. Encouragement points to the person doing the hard thing and lets them know they are seen. It prioritizes the heart over the outcome.
To fully grasp the meaning of encouragement, it’s also helpful to know what it is not.
Sayings such as “I’m proud of you” or “I love your painting, it’s beautiful,” roll off the tongue so easily when we want to offer support. While these statements are not inherently bad, neither are considered encouragement. Notice the I in these phrases. They are compliments that highlight the speaker’s values over the recipient’s efforts. Rather than calling out the inner qualities of the person doing the work, a certain ability or result is praised and stamped with approval. This is a main way people learn what is acceptable behavior and can even be a helpful teaching aid when used wisely. Encouragement, however, focuses on YOU terms such as,”YOU did that!” or “YOU never gave up.” While this may seem like a slight difference, the shift of attention is profound.
Why is this difference important?
Just like the boost you get from likes on an Instagram post, it feels GOOD when someone says you’re smart and they like your artwork. Both fire the same feel-good hormones, dopamine, to your brain. However, this type of reward system can also foster an unhealthy need for approval. If a person’s confidence is based solely on outside acceptance of their abilities and behaviors, failure to gain approval can hit their sense of worth with awful brutality. Someone may conclude that they are accepted only when they perform to a certain standard and rejected when they fall short. Offering our approval on a person’s performance or end result can unknowingly help build a tower of sand that crumbles when difficulty strikes.
Encouragement does not need a particular outcome. It can be used when a person is in last place and it can be used if they are setting a new record. Encouragement calls a person to reflect on their inner resources. It highlights the work over the outcome. At its best, it notices and specifically names areas of strength that build self-confidence and self-worth.
How does encouragement work in real life?
When your son hands you his artwork from school and looks at you expectantly, take a moment to notice the details and comment specifically on the colors and methods used. Resist saying, “I like the colors you chose” and instead try something like “You chose so many different colors!” or “Wow! You really like the color orange.” Recognize his process and then ask what he thought of his piece.
When your daughter finishes her race second to last, acknowledge her effort with specific examples and consider saying something that prompts her to be proud of them as well. It could sound something like, “I saw how you ran with such grit and determination, especially at the end. Be proud of that!”
When your teen brings home a report card full of As and Bs, acknowledge and celebrate the work ethic and care it took to get such grades. Ask them what they are proud of and how they accomplished the task. This can spark an opportunity to better understand their views on a particular class or subject too.
When your spouse gets passed up on a promotion at work, rather than focusing on the result, make a point to notice the process and points of strength, resourcefulness, and resiliency. Let them know you see them in their efforts.
This can be a hard shift.
At least it is for me. I find myself continually course correcting on this journey. It’s a beautiful thing to be proud of the people we care about, and it’s a healthy part of relationships to be able to communicate that with love. But if our intention is to support and inspire those in our circle of influence, let’s take a moment to shine a light on the perseverance, strength, passion, kindness, and care we notice, and offer encouragement instead. It’s a powerful tool that can brighten a day and lighten a heart as a loved one travels toward their goal.