Fresh Starts Can Happen
Article by Terra A. Mattson, M.A. LMFT, LPC, Founder, Principal, Executive & Clinical Coach
As I was cleaning, I was thinking about new beginnings — the feeling of cleaning out the old, and getting ready for the new. January is one of those times of the year where all of us are reminded to assess and set our goals for another year.
Before I start setting goals for the new year, I have learned that it’s important to look back and see what has really happened – what did change and what movement was made? Reflection is an important step into changing any future. And honestly, it’s a skill I have to be very conscious of doing because my nature is to want to always look forward and keep going. No need to look back. There seems to be no time to celebrate, …or mourn, for that matter.
Cleaning out our homes is similar to cleaning out our souls, our minds and our hearts. Many of our new, annual goals tend to be focused on our bodies or belongings. Exercise more. Spend less. Simplify our homes. When we consider the work it takes to become more emotionally and mentally free, joyful, hopeful, resilient, energized, closer to our spouses, closer to our God, it seems like every room of our house is dirty and we may not know where to start. It can be discouraging, to say the least. Most of us choose not to face these parts of our lives until the pain of carrying them outweighs the pain of facing them.
Clients often ask me, “How long will this take?” when they begin therapy, ready to face their emotional closets, repair their hurting marriages, overcome broken dreams, relieve their bodies of depression and anxiety, and heal…really heal. I always respond with an analogy: We can pluck the weeds, or we can dig up the roots. If we only focus on skill-building and resolving immediate problems, we are plucking weeds. We will need to do this at times for immediate relief, but you will be back in my office again. And again. The weeds only will go away if we start digging deeper, down to the roots. If we start pulling up roots, this work will be slow and steady. It will look worse and messier at first. It won’t be pretty, and we will need to get all the roots up before we really start planting new life, but it is your choice. There is my disclaimer: You choose.
As I was cleaning and pulling out the “old” in my closets, it felt tedious, and, at times I wanted to quit half-way through, shoving it all back in and shutting the doors. House cleaning is something I don’t prefer to do any day of the week, really. My typical cleaning is to wipe down the counters, throw my dishes in the dishwasher (and I am not exaggerating when I say throw…there is no order there), and fluff my pillows on the couch so they look cute. Done. My house looks clean, if you don’t look too closely. Many of us live our lives this way. However, those in our lives who live up close and personal can see the grime. We may appear all put together to the world, and we may be good at fluffing our own pillows, but the deeper parts of our stories need some gut-wrenching house cleaning. The roots need digging up, followed by a slow and steady diet of small moments of change.
Goals are a very good thing and are necessary for change. Without a vision or hope for something better, we do perish. In fact, many people are really good at setting a goal and not letting anything stand in their way. However, the reality of long-term change takes time and consistency and courage. Nothing worthwhile results from taking short cuts. After years and years of working in the middle of real-life with clients, leaders, organizations, my children, and my own journey, I know that change comes when we pace ourselves and make little bite-sized shifts, over and over and over again. As Jeff always reminds me, you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Time and consistency really is the key. It’s true about being a great basketball player. It’s true of becoming a great pianist. It’s true of building a larger savings account or tackling large amounts of debt. It’s true about changing our body shape or health conditions. And, it’s true in finding peace, joy and intimacy in our lives.
Cleaning my house on a deeper level felt truly freeing. There is more to do for sure, but the work I started yesterday has propelled me in the right direction. The only way to maintain it, is to stay consistent in the little things.
Today, I think I will clean out a drawer in my bathroom. I can see my husband doing a victory dance in the background when he sees this occurring. It’s a real-life miracle in his eyes.
