“Who ate dad’s favorite cookies?” I asked my youngest daughter.

She quickly and almost proudly responded, “Me!”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. “You ate the whoooooole bag of cookies?”“

“Yep, the bag is in my closet. Sorry, Mommy, it was really hard to stop.”  

I giggle as I remember this moment with our then 4-year-old daughter, because I am not sure if her willingness to own her behavior is a sign of a pure heart or lack of good parenting on our part. Who was watching her when she was eating the cookies, that is what I wanted to know? The therapist in me wonders about root issues around eating, sneaking, and feeling badly. Oh my! 

In the end, this candid ability to tell the truth and own her wrongs is one of the most life-giving disciplines, revealing a person’s true character and helping them to develop healthy relationships, grounded in integrity. While eating my husband’s favorite Spritz cookies is not the worst crime my daughter could have committed, nor does it compare to the selfish ways adults often wound one another again and again, it is still important to us that she seek forgiveness and learn how to make amends.

Whether we sit with a couple who has kept a list of wrongs for years, building their wall brick by brick, or an organizational team where there has been a lack of value and safety, owning our piece of the pie usually requires more than, “I’m sorry.” Sexual infidelity, disrespect, using one another for personal gain, manipulation, name-calling, contempt, passive-aggressiveness, passivity, addictions (the list could go on) — all are common trappings for people who have never learned the power of ownership and accountability.

Jeff and I have experienced deep betrayal from those we trusted in our personal lives, as well organizational dysfunction in our professional journeys. In both cases, there was a lack of ownership. Between the two of us, I admit that I am often the one who has the harder time asking for forgiveness. Yet, when I do, something changes within me. Not only does it help my husband to forgive me, but it also softens my own heart and moves me toward him; it removes a stubborn brick from the wall between us. When a great offense has been committed in any relationship, “I am sorry” is just not enough. There needs to be a naming of what you did and a recognition of the impact on the person you hurt. “I am sorry” is a band-aid that doesn’t do much for the wound, other than temporarily covering it up.  “Will you forgive me for…” cleanses the wound and sincerely acknowledges the pain it caused. This also gives the our victim a powerful choice, and voice, to determine whether or not they will find grace for us. It levels the playing field back out through a slight transfer of power.

Owning what we have done may not be possible, though, until we fully understand the wake of pain caused by us. Being a clumsy person (but still athletic, I might add), I have hurt people on accident without ever knowing I did so. Have you ever done that before? Have you ever just been doing life when all of a sudden, you hurt someone you didn’t even know you hurt?

Sometimes we need someone to call us out: “Ouch, watch where you are going!” No matter my motives, or obliviousness, I still need to own it and ask forgiveness. I still poked you in the eye, whether or not I meant it. It still hurt. (Yes, sadly I have done this). Dr. Gottman, a relationship scientist in Seattle, WA, reveals that our nature is to respond to conflict with one (or more) of what he refers to as the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: 1) Defensiveness – This takes the posture that I only did what I did because of what you did first. This redundant dance could go on forever. 2) Criticism – This crosses the boundary of focusing on a person’s behavior and now critiques their character. “You are lazy and no good,” instead of, “I wish you would put your laundry in the laundry basket next time.” 3) Stonewalling – This tactic gives a person the cold shoulder — “Talk to the hand.” This person either remains in the room, having left the conversation a long time ago, or they just walk away without any mention of coming back. This can certainly create and/or trigger abandonment issues for another person. And finally, 4) Contempt – This occurs when a person belittles another and behaves in a superior way, making others feel stupid and less-than-human.
Pick your own poison; they are all dangerous and have nothing to do with ownership and restoration. In fact, they do nothing more but destroy relationships further, leaving us feeling alone and hurt. I want to be more like my daughter (“Yes, I did it!”), and then I want to get better at acknowledging the consequences of my hurtful choices. Even if I can’t quite see it yet and need help understanding, I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted to own my part. Leadership, both in the home, and in the workplace, seeks people who can model how to take responsibility and choose a better path. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, though we all use them from time to time, are immature and unattractive. Let’s be honest, they’re not going to improve the situation.

Today, OWN UP. Acknowledge your part. This muscle may be weak to begin with, but the more you use it, the stronger it becomes. Eventually, it will be the muscle that helps you succeed in all walks of life and will help grow all the other muscles needed for living a wholehearted life.